where have you gone?

I'm not ok.

Well. For a normal, well adjusted person, I suppose I'd be considered ok.

I've been eating. That's what I'm trying to say.

I don't know where my self-control went.

I've been eating around 1,000 calories a day lately. Just typing that number makes me feel panicky. Four digits? What happened? Where is the girl who was eating 400 calories a day? This body abducted her, locked her away. This body took over, started making all the decisions. I disgust myself. Weak. Pathetic. Even my insults are starting to hurt less. I've been hearing them a lot lately.

I can't purge. I've discussed this at length. My intense phobia of throwing up is both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. So instead I've become an exercise-aholic. I meticulously calculate every disgusting calorie I put into my body. And then I work my ass off to burn them all away. I'll exercise late into the night, into the early morning if I have to. I used to hate exercising, but lately, it's been the highlight of my day. I skipped one day a few days ago because I was sick, and I was so anxious about it I was basically pacing around. I couldn't sleep. I was miserable.

I don't know what is happening to me. Who is this person?

I guess the good news is that despite my horrifying intake, I've been working out so much that it hasn't really affected my weight too much. BUT I also haven't been losing weight lately.

This morning I woke up and all my joints hurt. My ankles. My hips. My knees.

Fuck, body, stop being so old.

Summer is coming, despite the snow and the cold. Summer is coming. Swimsuit season.

I've never owned a bikini before. I've always hated my body too much to be that bold. Flaunting all the worst parts of me for the world to see? Are you fucking kidding? All my swimsuits have been very carefully selected. Covering without being frumpy. As flattering as possible. This summer I want to buy a bikini. That's my goal. The end of July I'm going on a camping trip with some friends. I need to hit my goal weight by then. Hear that, body? So stop fucking sabotaging me!

I need to take back control. So today, all I brought to work was gum and Coke Zero.

Control. I will have it again.