of pro-ana blogs

Do you ever go online and read what people say about us? I guess I specifically mean "Pro-Ana blogs," which I very much hesitate to label this blog as such.

Anyways, it's kind of fascinating. Rather infuriating. Patronizing, definitely.

It's specifically interesting for me because I had a Pro-Ana blog years ago. On Xanga if that tells you anything. And that was before the public knew about us. Before it became widely known that such a thing even existed. Before tumblr. Before Twitter. Before Pinterest. I'll never forget how several years ago, the Mr. suddenly asked me if I'd ever heard of a Pro-Ana blog. He showed me some article he was reading, written by the Huffington Post I think. I told him, then. That I'd had one. He made me promise never to do it again.

So much for that I guess.

One article I was reading had a section where a psychologist stated that one positive aspect of these Pro-Ana blogs was that it made people with eating disorders feel like they were part of a community. She went on to talk about how eating disorders are extremely alienating, how they draw you away from your friends, from your family. But now, now with the internet, you don't have to feel alone. With Pro-Ana blogs and communities, you can find other people who struggle just like you do.

I guess that's why I came back. Because I can't talk about this. Not in the real world. Not to my family or my friends. Because then I'm that girl. The girl that everyone feels obligated to worry about or check on. The girl that everyone wants to "fix." And then when they realize you're not fixable, then they pull away. They decide that it's too much work, too much drama, too much of a hassle, too emotionally draining. And they're right. It is. None of my family or friends know about this. Only a handful of people know I ever struggled with an eating disorder. I don't want to be that girl.

Which means there's a lot of lies.

"What's your secret?" They ask, and I have to paste a smile on my face so I don't scream.

"I don't eat very many carbs."

"I've become an accidental vegetarian."

"I just started working out!"

"Eating healthier, you know, smaller portions, more veggies."

Lies, lies, lies slipping through my teeth. They're so easy to say now. They're so easy that sometimes I actually believe them. But there is always the tiniest fraction of a second where I wish, I wish I could just say it.

But no one wants to hear the ugly truth.