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4.24.2014

thoughts

My knee aches.

The snow is gone, and in its place green grass welcomes me every morning. The snow has stopped, and now it rains. It rains and my knee aches, but I will not complain. I want to breathe in the green, the bare ground, the birds chirping. I go to the window every few minutes to make sure it's still there, that it wasn't all a dream.

....

I've stopped seeing my dietitian. 

I achieved the doctor's approval, so everyone else had to fall in line. So I continue on pretending that I don't see their thinly veiled disapproval. 

I continue pretending that I am fine.

...

Change does not come easy. Every time my father leaves a voicemail he is sure to state his name, the date, and the time. My phone tells me these things before he does, but he still follows his own antiquated patterns. 

I wonder if it's just human nature to stand stubbornly in the way of time.

...

"hey." Bill texts me. "the sun shines. listen."

...

I am happy. I am sad. I am angry. I laugh. I want to cry, but I don't. 

I go through the motions. Work. Therapy. DBT. Work. Sleep.

I am tired of pretending to care, but time carries on.

...

One pink line.

Negative.

"What are you afraid of?" My new DBT therapist asks me.

I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of seeing two pink lines. I am afraid of the things I am capable of.

I don't know why that one pink line makes me so sad.

...

I wish I could give you a glowing report about how my life is perfect now. I wish I could tell you that I don't bristle every time someone says "your eating disorder." I wish I could tell you that I want my life to be different.

But I'm just me.

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes it's ok not to be fine.
    You look pretty and delicate, and that outfit is very nice.

    Don't give up, and give yourself a break sometime.

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  2. Omgosh you're absolutely stunning and I need you to come over and dress me because that is adorable! Change is hard but it's worth it. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do in the struggle. I'm thinking of you you love.

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  3. Aw, you're too cute. I love your hair color, and the way you layered things. October in the middle of April. I completely understand the wanting to cry but not doing it. I've been in a constant state of anxiety the past few weeks, it's only getting worse really. I want to stop and cry, but that wouldn't get anything done, it just seems like a waste of time. I hope the sun continues to thaw us though. Take care lovely. Also, the new url is more-than-the-weekend.blogspot.com, I seem to have lost a lot of people with that.

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  4. kayyyyy! :D ...just was a bit happy to see you again haha
    Your well being is always in my thoughts hon, my love to you xx

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  5. Eeee, you are so adorable! I love your outfit and all the different colors, wow. If I tried to mix colors like, that I'd look like a rainbow threw up. I always love reading your posts. You are just you, and that is enough. Thinking of you dear <3 xx

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