i'm going to be better at this

Hi, I'm Kay and sometimes I write things.

You guys said such sweet things on my last post. Thank you. You are all so lovely, and I'm so glad I know you.

Life.

I'm going to try to summarize.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and she told me she's leaving. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise. I am still attending the small walk-in clinic at the hospital. The clinic that is full of students completing their residency. They come and go like waves, and I have planted myself stubbornly in the sand, pretending not to notice.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to move on. The Recovery Center provides psychiatric services now. I could go there.

I could.

I feel so disjointed lately. I haven't seen Molly in two weeks because of random schedule conflicts. I am no longer seeing her for my individual DBT therapy. I was given a choice, but I knew there was really only one right answer. Now I meet with one of the leaders of my group. He is awkward and brusque, but earnest in a way that genuine people are.

Last week I learned that several people in my group will be graduating soon. I'm already dreading it. I love the people in my group, and the upheaval of graduation and potential new members makes me queasy.

 The scale has not been my friend lately. And I am caught in the trap I've created. The one where I can't really talk about how I really feel because if I do the dietitian argument will flare back up. Or worse, people will start mentioning "more intensive options." I hate the numbers I keep seeing. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. But I hate those conversations more.

A few months ago my boss told me that I had to start working extra hours to make up for my lost time. My time lost to therapy.

Everyone is forgiving of a mental illness until it becomes an inconvenience.

I'm not as angry now. I was. I was furious. Work was already an almost insurmountable task, and then she piled more on. I wouldn't say I'm happy about it now. I suppose I've just been trying not to think about it very much. I've been trying not to think about much unless I have to. I let myself go numb because otherwise, I just plunge into anxiety. Which lately has led to drinking too much wine and inevitably crying all over the Mr.

But there are good things too. And because I am tired of thinking so much, I'll just show you some more pictures instead.

Good thing #1: My front yard no longer looks like this.

Good Thing #2: The Arizona sunshine I was able to experience when my yard DID look like that.

Good Thing #3: New glasses!

Good Thing #4: Springtime! And finally being able to show off my new tattoo!

Good Thing #5: This sweet guy.

Good Thing #6: And this sweet guy.

Good Thing #7: And this (sometimes) sweet little girl.

And of course, the Mr. My best friend. My husband. My always.

♥

I promise I will try to catch up on your posts soon!