i hate being hungry

Sometimes I really hate Facebook. I hate seeing all the amazing things the people I graduated college with are doing. What they're accomplishing. How they're using their degrees to actually do credible, interesting things.

What have I accomplished? I got out of bed today. I showered. I put together a relatively coordinated outfit. I got to work on time only 1 minute late. I haven't eaten anything yet today.

I tried to fast yesterday. I was determined to do so. I felt so gross, so awful, so fat. I made it all the way to dinner, and then the Mr. freaked out. He asked if I was going to come make myself a flatbread pizza. I said no. He asked why. The only thing I could think to say was "because."

Not being able to lie to someone is the worst.

He demanded to know what I had eaten. I got my shit together and told him lied that I'd eaten an apple with peanut butter.

"Thats it?" His eyebrows were almost touching his hair line.

I mumbled something, my crazy smile firmly in place, but all I could think about was how if I had eaten an apple with peanut butter, I would have hated myself even more. If I had eaten that for lunch, I might as well have given up entirely.

"No. That's it. You're eating something." He was starting to get visibly upset.

I really hate making people upset, especially him. So I caved. I made a flatbread pizza (335), trying to hide the fact that I was measuring everything out into perfect serving sizes. I chewed every bite for so long it took me 20 minutes to eat the thing.

Then I was mad. I hadn't wanted to eat anything. I wasn't even hungry before I made the pizza. But as soon as I finished it, I wanted to eat more. I wanted to eat everything in the house. I ate a handful of Cheetos. Those Cheetos I bought 3 weeks ago? Yes those. They've been sitting in my cupboard ever since. I haven't been tempted by them until last night. So I ate some of those. I ate a couple small pieces of shredded chicken. And I just wanted more. I made tea, Tazo's Passion tea, which has a tart punch. That helped quell the craving for more more more. Then afterwards, I went downstairs and channeled my focus into running on the treadmill.

Today it's not even 1:00 pm, and I'm already really hungry. I hate being hungry. I hate it. I wish I could tell hunger to just leave me alone.