I watch the numbers go down on the scale. My new jeans slide down on my hips. I am swimming in last winter's clothes. But when I look in the mirror, nothing has changed.
I hear a lot about intensive treatment these days. I find myself thinking of ways to lie.
...
My little sister is beaming. She looks so beautiful, so radiant. She runs her hands down the ivory lace and glances over at us.
"I think this is the one." She whispers, and then she laughs because she can hardly believe it.
Her friends agree and I do too.
She twirls and giggles and hops, clapping her hands. "This is my wedding dress!"
Her friends laugh and cheer, but I am trying not to cry.
She is so beautiful.
I remember her as a toddler. Her bossy little voice was so raspy. Her strawberry blond hair stuck out at every angle. Even then she was fearless and always smiling.
I am suddenly exhausted. There is a flurry with measuring tapes and shoes and veils and everything is so loud. I end up face to face with my mother thanks to the power of technology. I try to screen her comments, but I soon realize it's a pointless battle. All the noise drowns her out. I can tell she is offended that no one is listening to her. Everyone else is talking over her. She wanted my sister to go shopping with her. Instead she went shopping with me. My mother presses her lips together and frowns. My face on the screen looks worn, dark circles under my eyes.
"Are you going to cry?" One of my sister's friends teases.
"I don't cry in public." My sister flippantly declares. Her friends snort so she rolls her eyes in a perfect imitation of our mother. "Fine. Unless I'm at a soccer game..."
Sidelong glances are thrown my way. I smile dumbly and pretend I don't know they're talking about when my sister got the call that I was in the hospital.
I drive home too fast and go to bed without eating supper. The Mr. wants to know what's wrong. I don't know. I am happy for my sister. I truly am. I will be her matron of honor in her wedding. Her dress is perfect. She is in love.
I don't know why I'm so sad.
Congratulations to your little sis. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad though. I think sometimes the happiest of life's events can make us deeply sad, and sometimes we never know why. Big events, like a marriage, stir up a lot of complicated emotions.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is always so vivid, I can picture every scenario in my head. I know I've said it before, but you really are a wonderful writer.
xx