she has come undone

Miles of internet, and this drawing stops me like a slap in the face.

The title is simply "She Has Come Undone." 

....

I spend Thanksgiving night on the bathroom floor with my little sister as she sobs out all the pain she can't hold back any longer. She is at once terrified for me and jealous of me. She thinks I am too skinny, but she thinks she is too fat. She wants me to get better. She wants to be like me. 

She is sad. 

I hold her and try to say the right things, but words just fall out of my mouth in a jumbled mess. I can't protect her. We are all broken, and I am barely holding myself together. 

....

I keep dreaming about the psychiatric ward. I am there again, surrounded by those familiar concrete walls and blue scrubs, but I'm so angry because I don't belong there! I don't want to be there! It was not my choice. There's nothing wrong with me!

I am causing a scene. A nurse tells me I must take these pills. I don't want to take the pills. There's nothing wrong with me! Why can't anybody see that?

They tell me I'll be moved to a more intensive wing if I don't calm down and take the pills. I am afraid of the intensive wing, so I sullenly take the paper cup. I am going to take them. I am going to give in, but I overhear the nurse make a comment. Something implying that I am finally doing the right thing. 

I stiffen. No. No, she's wrong. I remember again. Nothing is right here, and I am furious. So I throw the little paper cup as hard as I can. Pills go scattering across the worn linoleum and I am screaming and screaming and screaming as they tackle me and strap me down.

....

I finally manage to cry while sober for the first time in two months, one week, and six days.

Of all the deeply emotional moments during that time, I am undone by the death of a character in a mediocre tv show.

I am afraid to hope that my drug addled brain chemistry is finally clicking back together.

....

I eat like my dietitian wants, but I wash the food down with laxatives. The little blue pills have a sweet coating. They almost taste like candy as I swallow them down so I can continue to convince myself that I am ok. 

Drawing found at: http://beazart.com/