I've quickly learned that when you go to treatment, but don't really show any desire to change, they start throwing frightening words around.
I haven't quite figured out if this is a trick or a ploy, but I'm equally unsure if I want to find out.
I've heard this word three times from three different people and every time it deafens me with panic.
INTENSIVE.
It's a horrible, loud, sterile, ugly word. It makes me want to run away.
"Why do you keep shutting down the idea of intensive care?" Molly asked me earlier today.
Therapy is full of stupid questions.
"Because I still don't think I even need this." I made a random gesture around the small room, particularly at the bookshelf full of titles like Body Betrayed. The more treatment I attend, the more convinced I've become that I am FINE.
That's when she gave me a sheet of paper titled "Classic Cognitive Distortions."
What is a cognitive distortion? Well according to psychcentral.com, it is "simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true."
Which is a nice way of saying "you are a crazy person."
So for homework, I am supposed to come up with personal examples for these classic cognitive distortions. I get bonus points if I relate these things to my so called eating disorder.
Great.
1. All or Nothing Thinking
You think of things in "black-or-white" or rigid categories. If something is less than perfect, you see it as a total failure.
Alright, fine. Sure. Today I ate a serving of almonds for lunch and celery and some summer sausage for dinner. But I also ate some licorice. And that ruined everything. Today was a failure. I am a failure. Isn't this fun?
2. Over Generalizing
You think of a single negative event as a never-ending pattern.
I screw up a job at work. I lock myself in the bathroom and stare at my reflection, jaw clenched to keep from screaming. I fucked up. I am a horrible person. I should get fired. I ruin everything. I should just kill myself.
I eat three square meals. I pace my bedroom, panicking because I am now going to gain a hundred pounds and be fat for the rest of my life and I might as well die.
3. Mental Filtering
You dwell on a single negative detail and ignore moderate or positive things that may occur.
Can I just answer this one with: MY ENTIRE LIFE?
4. Disqualifying the Positive
You reject positive experiences ("they don't count"). You maintain a negative view in spite of contradictory evidence.
I lose weight. People say I look skinny. I look in the mirror and decide they're the crazy ones.
5. Jumping to Conclusions
a). Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and don't bother to check this out with them.
b). Fortune Telling: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is a fact.
Every time someone whispers to someone nearby me, I'm certain they're talking about me. And not nicely. It doesn't matter if it's a stranger in the mall or a friend at a party. I hang out with friends and leave certain that half of them are mad at me.
I see someone glance at my plate. I am sure they are disgusted by how much I'm eating and how fat I am.
I turn down a lot of invitations from friends I don't see often because I'm sure they actually hate me because I never hang out with them.
I am certain I will hate my dietitian.
6. Catastrophizing
You believe the worst-case scenario will happen.
The Mr. is late coming home from work. I'm positive he's gotten in a car accident and died.
I go into intensive treatment. I lose my job. We can't pay our bills. We lose our house. We starve on the streets and die.
Too much chocolate = I am going to become disgustingly obese.
Too much celery = I am going to become disgustingly obese.
7. Magnifying or Minimizing
You exaggerate the importance of certain things (such as your mistakes or other's successes) and minimize other things (such as your own desirable qualities or other's imperfections).
I am a failure of a human being who has accomplished absolutely nothing. THIS person is working at one of the top design agencies in the city and becoming recognized for their work. THIS person is traveling the world and having adventures. THIS person is helping people in third world countries. I am worthless. THAT person has no flaws.
8. Emotional Reasoning
You assume that they way you feel reflects the way things are.
I am fat.
I have nothing to offer.
No one would care if I died.
Everyone hates me.
9. "Shoulds"
You believe you must live up to certain perfectionist expectations. You may have perfectionist expectations of others.
I have to be the best Aunt in the world. I have to be skinny. I have to be interesting. I have to be funny. I have to, I have to, I have to...
10. Labeling/Mislabeling
"Over-Generalizing." Instead of describing an error, you attach a negative, generalized label to yourself/others.
I am fat.
I am stupid.
I am worthless.
11. Personalization
You see yourself as responsible for the events around you that you had little/no responsibility for.
I blog about having a negative reaction to hearing my sister-in-law is pregnant again. The next day she has a miscarriage. This is my fault.
12. Maladaptive Thought
Any belief you have that is not useful to you in a given situation.
I need to be working, but I can't stop thinking about how I ate lunch when I was planning on fasting.
13. Compensatory Misconception
The believe that you need to inflate your achievements to be socially successful.
I need to make myself appear and sound like an amazing designer so the people I went to college with don't find out I'm a total failure.
I need to make people think that I'm really skinny or doing really well with restricting or exercising so they'll think I'm strong and worthy.
Sure. I had examples for all of those things. And ok, maybe I think those things every single day. But it's just the truth.
That's probably another one.
I see this. I do. I'm not stupid, but my mind has split off from my brain and what I see is not always what I believe. And if I can't trust my own head, how do I know I can trust anyone else?
"Have you thought about what will happen if you keep going down this path?" Molly asked.
"Yes." I said to the bookshelf.
"What do you think will happen?"
"I'll starve myself to death."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I don't feel anything."
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