please tell me it's worth it

"I've been trying to figure out what's different about you." My friend said, her brows knit together. "I thought maybe it was just that I haven't seen you in a while. But I think it's because you're wearing jeans and not a dress."

She laughed, and I laughed, but it came out hollow.

No! Tell me I look skinny! I wanted to beg. I've been working so hard for this! Can't you see? Please tell me it's worth it! Please tell me I look different!

I didn't volunteer the truth.

I've lost 26 lbs, but it's not enough. What is enough? I don't know. Is it even attainable?

All I want to do is eat. Eating is all I think about. It's becoming an obsession to the point of scaring me. It's getting harder to say no. Food owns my thoughts.

Sometimes it feels like this is my body fighting back. It makes sense. I'm starving myself. That's what I'm doing. In plain black and white print. Starving.

But, my brain argues, that is really just a very convenient excuse, isn't it? Oh it's not YOU who just ate all that food. It's your body. What a load of bullshit. You're not only weak, you're a liar. A pathetic, weak liar who tries to pass the blame onto someone, anyone, else.

What am I doing?

I am so tired of this.

And yet I can't stop wondering...are there really any recovered anorexics, or just failed anorexics?

Why on earth do YOU need to stop? My brain mocks me. There are girls who weigh 80 lbs. They are walking skeletons. People see their fragile bones and KNOW what they are. People look at you and they can't even fucking tell you've lost weight. If you told someone you were anorexic, they would laugh in your face.

I've always known the truth. Always.

I'm slowly killing myself.

But maybe that's what I want.