you are a wrecking ball

You are a waterfall
Waiting inside a well.
You are a wrecking ball
Before the building fell.
And every lightning rod
Has got to watch the storm cloud come.


I'm losing my job.

My company is (probably) going under. I'm (probably) going to get laid off. Nothing is certain. Nothing is for sure. 

I have no control over what is happening.

No fucking control. 

The Mr. has been trying to coax me to search for a new job for probably a year. I just couldn't face it. I tried. I failed. Anxiety is a bastard. It just sits in your head and refuses to go away, refuses to be silent, refuses to be pacified. 

I work in a creative field. I'm a graphic designer. 

I'm a creative person. I don't know any other way to live my life, but being creative as an occupation is terrifying. 

I create something. As sterile and removed as I make it, it still contains a tiny piece of me. I can't help that. I created it. 

A new job means applying. It means interviews. It means strange eyes, judging eyes, critical eyes looking at my work. Looking at me. Looking, judging, criticizing. There was a point in my life when this was expected, normal. Not pleasant. I won't go that far. But I was used to it. It didn't send me into an anxious spiral that ended with me sobbing on the treadmill at 3:00 am. 

I hate myself so much. How could anyone feel any differently?

I don't know when I got so broken.

So I'm job searching. Frantically. Because I don't know if tomorrow I'll be sent home. And being unemployed is not an option for us financially.

I'm going to lose my job. No one else will hire me. Who would hire me? I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail at everything. We won't be able to pay our bills. The Mr. and I will lose our little house we bought a year ago. We'll be homeless. The Mr. will resent me, hate me, leave me. And then I'll die alone.

This is how my brain works every time I try to convince myself that maybe everything will be ok. 

Does that sound childish? Stupid? I should just suck it up, right? I should just knock it off. I should just stop. 

If you figure out how to press the STOP button, let me know. Cause my head is a dangerous labyrinth, and I'm lost.