I can feel myself slipping further into the mouth of this thing. That part of me that senses the danger is starting to feel tired and worn.

Three weeks ago I could eat without feeling panicky. As long as I ate things that were healthy, low calorie. Primarily vegetables. I still hated how I felt afterwards. I still hated myself. But it's different now. I eat a handful of goldfish crackers and they settle like a brick in my stomach. They feel foreign and evil and I just want them to get out. Out of my body. I've never purged. I have an intense phobia of throwing up. So intense that I went ten years without puking. Not that I didn't want to. I made myself a lot sicker by doing it, but I just could not throw up. The thought of it sent me into panic attacks. So I held it all in. I broke that ten year streak after drinking so much I blacked out and then spent the night puking in my friend's toilet. Since then I've been better about throwing up, but I still hate it. It still sends me into a shaky, terrified mess. 

I don't want to ever purge. I want to be stronger than myself. Stronger than my body. I want to not puke because I don't need to. 

All that to say, it's been tempting lately. But I haven't been able to bring myself to take that road. And that's probably a good thing. If one good thing can be found in all of this, that'd be it.

I'm home sick today. I think I'm fighting off some sort of flu. I thought I might puke this morning from natural causes, but I haven't so far. I feel pretty drained and weak. I haven't been able to get warm and my stomach is churning. The good news is that I do not feel even remotely tempted to eat something.

Yesterday I had tea with only 1 tsp. of sugar and 1/4 cup of skim milk (38.5) . Then I ate 11 veggie crisps that my co-worker practically forced me to eat (67). She has been getting increasingly upset every time I eat nothing or very little for lunch. I went home early and succumbed to the temptation that is goldfish crackers. I ate way too many (160). Then I had some raw sweet peppers and cherry tomatoes (80). So yesterday was a total of 345.5 calories.

So far today I am at 0 calories. Although I think I am going to attempt some tea so I don't get a caffeine headache (I am so addicted). I'm going to attempt a fast today. I have some diet 7-up in the fridge that I can drink for free, so hopefully after my tea that will be the last amount of calories consumed today. 

And the best part? I weighed in at 126.4 lbs. this morning! I am so close to 125 lbs. which is a number I have not seen in about 4 years. My hip bones show, even when I'm just standing. I can see my ribs on my back. When I lay down, my stomach is so concave that my rib cage is a mountain and my hip bones are sharp peaks. My collar bones are starting to show when I just stand normally. 

It feels really good. It feels damn good. 

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower