1.6 lbs to go to reach my goal weight.
110 lbs. It feels like a magical number to me. I know I need to get that out of my head. It's not magic. I won't be magically happy or cured or fixed or glued back together at 110 lbs. I know that.
But it feels magical.
The last time I saw 110 lbs, I was eighteen years old. My first boyfriend had dumped my unceremoniously right before graduation. I was miserable. I was suicidal. So I stopped eating. I started exercising. And I wasn't even doing it to lose weight. I just....did it.
We didn't have a working scale at my house. So one day I was in a friend's bathroom when I noticed a scale. I stepped on it. 110 lbs. I was shocked, but then I was happy. I remember that moment clearly, staring down at the number, a mad grin crossing my face. I was happy.
When I reach 110 lbs, I will have officially lost 32 lbs. since December 2012. I will have lost almost 40 lbs from my highest weight, which was probably in the summer of 2012.
.........
"Sometimes I'm afraid this is how you think of me." I said to the Mr. one afternoon.
I was referring to the song, Lost Cause by Beck which I was currently playing. It's not a happy song, but it's how I view myself. It's how I'm so afraid the Mr. will view me.
There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
He wrapped me in a hug and told me firmly and emphatically, "NO."
The next day, I was driving to work when a new song by a musician I love came on the radio. Tourniquet by Jeremy Messersmith. I listened to the lyrics as I drove, and they went straight through my heart. I got to work, parked, and sat in the car to listen to the entire song even though it made me late.
As soon as I got into the office, I emailed the song to the Mr. and asked him the question again. Is this how you think of me?
His response?
YES.
YES. A MILLION TIMES YES.
When you feel like dying
Think you won't be missed
I will be there in an ambulance
When there's nothing left to do
I will pull you close and wrap my arms around you.
Today had ups and downs. I laughed. I hated myself. I felt calm. I felt like a worthless, hollow shell of a person.
But I have him.
I will always have him.
And so tonight, I am thankful. I am so incredibly thankful for this smart, funny, sexy, and loving man who sticks with me despite my crazy fucked up mess.
My dark thoughts like to convince me that I am alone, but I'm not. I'm not alone. I am loved.
How often I forget that.
Your Mr. really sounds like an amazing guy. It's beautiful that he cares so deeply for you, no matter what you're going through.
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