i'm trying, but i'm graceless

I don't know how to separate myself from my struggles. They are me and I am them and we are one tangled fucked up mess.

I think that's part of why things are so hard.

I have amazing friends, close friends, but they don't know. They don't know the ugliest parts of me. And the further down the rabbit hole I go, the more those parts become me. Until I stop and wonder if anyone really knows me at all.

Graceless
Is there a powder to erase this?
Is it dissolvable and tasteless?
You can't imagine how I hate this
Graceless

I'm trying, but I'm graceless
Don't have the sunny side to face this
I am invisible and weightless
You can't imagine how I hate this
Graceless

I saw The National in concert the other night. It was incredible. They were incredible. I cried when they played that song, Graceless. I can tell a lot of my friends don't really understand why I love this band so much, but that's ok. I know why. Their songs are full of a desperate sort of sorrow that broken people understand. Their songs reach out to me when I am at my lowest and make me feel like I'm not alone.

I'm trying, but I've gone
Through the glass again
Just come and find me
God loves everybody, don't remind me
I took the medicine when I went missing
Just let me hear your voice, just let me listen

Graceless
I figured out how to be faithless
But it will be a shame to waste this
You can't imagine how I hate this
Graceless

The Mr. and I spent Sunday night sitting in front of a little bonfire in our backyard, just the two of us drinking homemade cocktails. We ended up having a slightly drunken, rather serious conversation about, well, life. Mostly he talked, and I listened. There were several times when I the words were there, on the tip of my tongue. Everything. All the awful, all the heavy, all the mess. But I kept my lips pressed closed.

At the end as we were about to put the fire out and go inside, he suddenly wrapped his arms around me and whispered into my hair.

"I love you, and I hope that someday you can tell me everything."

I hope so too.