I am Atlas, shouldering the entire world, knees buckling under the weight. I am not strong enough to bear it, yet here I am.
My boss tells me about her son losing his job. I've never met him. I don't even remember his name, but I can't shake the weight of his life. My brother makes a bad choice. I am struggling with the burden of it. In another state, a little boy turns up dead in the trunk of a car. All of these things stick with me, cling to me, building up until I have to lock myself in the bathroom to breathe. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and try to remember why I want to go on living in this world. And sometimes the good is so hard to see. So hard to feel. So hard to remember.
Sometimes I can't sit still. I pace the hallways of my house, trying to distract myself, trying to focus on something, anything. But instead this restless despair keeps pushing me, pushing me, pushing me.
To what? I don't know. All I know is that I would do almost anything to make it stop. Scream. Hurt myself. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Now I know what "manic" means.
You know, the glow from this screen is the only light in the room. I am here within your world and I completely understand.
ReplyDeleteIt's heavy, fucking heavy. But remember you are not obliged to resolve others lives, or to feeling the weight of them on your own. Sometimes you can't stop it and that's ok, there are reasons and we may never know why.
We grow and learn from pain and hardship. If we starve, purge, cut out, burry, drink, or silence in whatever way that pain I don't believe we will see the good from it. The purpose, it's there just don't forget to look :]
I'm glad you shared some weight here, peace to you tonight xx
Sorry that was a bit preachy :s
DeleteNo, it was good. And I needed to hear it. Thank you, Melrose.
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