you're a wasp nest

Your eyes are broken bottles
And I'm afraid to ask
And all your wrath and cutting beauty
You're poison in the pretty glass
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest.

You're all humming live wires under your killing clothes.
Get over here, I wanna kiss your skinny throat
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest

I'm drinking a margarita for dinner. Pretending the calories don't exist because they're liquid. 

"You know how it is. The list never ends." 

My Dad said that, his voice stiff and angry. He said it on Father's Day when I sullenly called in the evening. He'd spent his entire special day trying to complete chores on my mother's list. I'd spent his entire special day trying to pretend that my father was dead.

The list never ends.

Do not know what's wrong with me,
Sours in the cup.
When I walk into a room,
I do not light it up.
Fuck.

So I stay down,
With my demons.

Sometimes I want to grab random strangers by the shoulders and shake them. 

"Why?" I would beg. "What is your secret? Why do you go on? Why?"

A friend jokes about wanting to kill himself. I rock back and forth on the swing I'm sitting on, pretending. 

The Mr. keeps asking me what's wrong. On Father's Day. I cannot find any words, so I experiment. Will he go away if I remain silent? Negative. I try making noncommittal noises. He persists. 

"Oh." He suddenly says, the pieces falling into place.

He wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry." He whisper in my hair.

Fat tears fall onto my hands, but I don't make a sound.

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in.

I pretend to eat lunch, but I walk instead. Down the road to the gas station where I buy a pack of gum. Normal people buy gum. 

But I'm buying it for lunch.

The next day I eat eight mini candy bars in a row. Then I make a margarita for dinner.

I am stronger than my hunger.

I am stronger than my hunger.

I am stronger.

Is this what you want? Do you want to be one of those skinny girls? Those girls who have perfect lives?

Don't.

Don't believe the lie.

I keep coming back here where everything slipped
But I will not spill my guts out

I don't need any help to be breakable, believe me
I know nobody else who can laugh along to any kind of joke
I won't need any help to be lonely when you leave me

It'll be easy to cover
Gather my skeletons far inside
It'll be summer in Dallas
Before you realize

That I'll never be
Anything you ever want me to be

*Song lyrics from various songs by The National