The scale said 122 lbs this morning.
I am so sick of myself, I want to scream.
I will go all day without eating, growing steadily lighter, steadily better.
Then I'll eat an entire box of Reese's Pieces.
I'll drive to Target and buy ice cream.
I'll eat heaps and heaps of peanut butter.
You better fucking workout. You better at least do that.
But I don't. I don't even do that. I just sink down further into the couch, hating myself until my eyes burn.
I think I've forgotten how to cry. I can tell that I want to cry, or maybe that I should cry, but I can't. I just feel...nothing. Achingly void.
No more of this. I can't do it anymore. I can't watch the numbers start going back up. I can't.
Today co-worker gave me a Cadbury egg she found in her desk. My favorite candy. Sugar. My greatest weakness. I took it, smiling. I waited until she left the room, and then I quickly broke a bite-sized piece off with a napkin, throwing it away. I waited until she came back, so she'd see it. I'm on a crusade now. A crusade of lies, attempting to show my co-worker that I'm normal. I'm ok. She can eat because I eat! I'm healthy! Everything is fine!
I continued this way until it was gone. Not a bite went in my mouth. Not a single morsel.
I will get back on track. I have to.
I kind of did the same thing recently. Ate everything and did nothing about it. Scale went up, eventually I just became disgusted with (myself) food. But it's tricky now trying to figure a balance so it's not to happen again.
ReplyDeleteYou'll find something that works just take care.
All my love xx