i'll be better tomorrow

When I woke up, the sky was spitting out something that's not quite snow, but not quite rain either. It's almost a mist, a miserable cold wet blanket.

I'm so tired of winter. The world is gray and gloomy and I can't remember what sunshine feels like.

I feel removed from everyone and everything. I'm just floating through like a ghost. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to hang out with my friends. I don't want to do anything.

Let's spell this out, shall we? I need to stay accountable. I need to confess.

I had a plan. And then I fucked it up.

Breakfast: applesauce (100)

Lunch: baby carrots (35) & cherry tomatoes (25) & Yoplait Strawberry Greek Yogurt (100)

A pity party: Starbuck's 16 oz. Caramel Macchiato with skim milk (190)

Fucking things up further: bite-size Butterfinger (33) & bite-size Nestle Crunch (50)

Dinner (out with the Mr.): Panera low fat vegetable soup with pesto (100) & whole grain baguette (180)

Giving up entirely: frozen banana (120) pureed with 2 T. Better n' Peanut Butter (100) and topped with 2 T. Mrs. Richardson's Hot Fudge Sauce (140), Toffee Bits (320), and fat-free whipped cream (20)

TOTAL: 1513 calories

I had a slight panic attack and pushed myself on the treadmill, speed walking at an incline for 70 minutes. I thought I was going to fall off the thing a couple times, but I didn't.

I can't stop indulging. I can't stop binging. I need to STOP eating sugar. Especially chocolate. I've been on my fucking period all week, so that hasn't helped, but I need to quit. It's like an addiction. I went for a long time without it, but then I caved a little, and then I just slid right off the cliff. Fuck.

I'll be better tomorrow. I have to be.