i am not a bulimic

I tried to make myself throw up yesterday.

I sat in front of the toilet, shaking. I put one finger in my mouth, testing the waters. How far in could I go before I gagged? I closed my eyes. I told myself to just do it. I pushed my finger in further. Gagged. Ripped my finger out. Nothing. 

I tried for ten minutes straight. 

I couldn't. I couldn't do it. 

I finally gave up. Sat on my bathroom floor and furiously fought back tears. 

Dear Self, just stop eating. Then we won't be in this situation. Love, Me.