I am a broken, skipping record, caught in an endless loop.
The same words. The same lies. The same story.
Pointless.
I am so frustrated. I am so tired of writing the same things. I am so tired of feeling the same things. I stare at the stark whiteness of an empty screen and my fingers go still.
I want to tell the truth, but I am a liar.
I am stuck at 119 lbs.
Today I ate two square meals. Cream of chicken and rice soup, which I accidentally ordered thinking it was broth based. Fat fat fat. Quinoa with roasted vegetables and no dressing save a little spicy mustard.
I rode my bike for half an hour.
I thought about killing myself once.
The Mr. and I got in a terrible fight a month ago because he caught me commenting on a blog. I usually wait until he's fallen asleep, but I had headphones in and he surprised me. I completely freaked out and wouldn't let him look at my screen. Totally normal behavior, right?
"Are you doing that blog thing again?" He immediately asked, his voice loud and urgent, eyes narrowed, worry in every line on his face.
I bumbled my way through that one. Lies. Frantic lies. It was ugly. He was so upset, so worried, and all I did was lie.
I don't know why I push away the people who love me. I don't know why I cannot let them help me. I just can't.
I called a suicide hotline a few weeks after the fight. Willow answered. I hung up. I called again five minutes later. Willow answered again, her voice sounding anxious. I hung up a second time.
I don't know how to stop lying.
Haha completely normal, I did the same thing and somehow came up with the lie that I was talking to a guy on a dating site. I don't think that would work too well with your mister though ;]
ReplyDeleteBasically, I'm glad you're still around and not meaning just on blogger<3
(If you can) maybe it might help to post more often?
Take care sweets, my love to you xx
melrose, I am so thankful for you. I think you're right. I will try to post more often. I think it does help.
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