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6.18.2014

like it doesn't exist

i'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
i'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

like it doesn't exist

i'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
i'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

and i'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause i'm just holding on for tonight

help me, i'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause i'm just holding on for tonight, o
n for tonight

sun is up, i'm a mess
gotta get out now, gotta run from this
here comes the shame, here comes the shame




There are so many things that reach out to me from this music video in a way that I can't accurately put into words. It's been playing in my head on repeat.

Where have I been? 

Inside that empty, crumbling house.

I've been going through the motions, but when no one is looking I'm kicking the walls and making ugly faces at myself, running wild and manic, and never even trying to open the door. 

I make promises. I make conflicting promises. I make conflicting promises about the conflicting promises. I'm not sure when I'm telling the truth anymore.

I left the Recovery Program. 

For good or bad, there it is.

I knew it was going to happen long before it did. I wasn't telling the truth. I wasn't trying. All my false sincerity was worn thin. I even stopped trying to play by the rules. When Molly's hours changed and she couldn't fit me into her schedule anymore, I didn't even care.

So one day, instead of driving to DBT, I sat in the Target parking lot for half an hour until I knew my therapist wouldn't be in his office. Then I called. I left a voicemail and made sure to say all the right things. And that was it.

It was helpful. In many ways it was helpful. I learned a lot. I met some really wonderful people. 

But it is exhausting to fake remorse.

4.28.2014

i'm going to be better at this

Hi, I'm Kay and sometimes I write things.

You guys said such sweet things on my last post. Thank you. You are all so lovely, and I'm so glad I know you.

Life.

I'm going to try to summarize.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and she told me she's leaving. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise. I am still attending the small walk-in clinic at the hospital. The clinic that is full of students completing their residency. They come and go like waves, and I have planted myself stubbornly in the sand, pretending not to notice.

I don't know why I am so reluctant to move on. The Recovery Center provides psychiatric services now. I could go there.

I could.

I feel so disjointed lately. I haven't seen Molly in two weeks because of random schedule conflicts. I am no longer seeing her for my individual DBT therapy. I was given a choice, but I knew there was really only one right answer. Now I meet with one of the leaders of my group. He is awkward and brusque, but earnest in a way that genuine people are.

Last week I learned that several people in my group will be graduating soon. I'm already dreading it. I love the people in my group, and the upheaval of graduation and potential new members makes me queasy.

 The scale has not been my friend lately. And I am caught in the trap I've created. The one where I can't really talk about how I really feel because if I do the dietitian argument will flare back up. Or worse, people will start mentioning "more intensive options." I hate the numbers I keep seeing. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. But I hate those conversations more.

A few months ago my boss told me that I had to start working extra hours to make up for my lost time. My time lost to therapy.

Everyone is forgiving of a mental illness until it becomes an inconvenience.

I'm not as angry now. I was. I was furious. Work was already an almost insurmountable task, and then she piled more on. I wouldn't say I'm happy about it now. I suppose I've just been trying not to think about it very much. I've been trying not to think about much unless I have to. I let myself go numb because otherwise, I just plunge into anxiety. Which lately has led to drinking too much wine and inevitably crying all over the Mr.

But there are good things too. And because I am tired of thinking so much, I'll just show you some more pictures instead.

Good thing #1: My front yard no longer looks like this.
Good Thing #2: The Arizona sunshine I was able to experience when my yard DID look like that.
Good Thing #3: New glasses!


Good Thing #4: Springtime! And finally being able to show off my new tattoo!

Good Thing #5: This sweet guy.

Good Thing #6: And this sweet guy.

Good Thing #7: And this (sometimes) sweet little girl.

And of course, the Mr. My best friend. My husband. My always.

♥
I promise I will try to catch up on your posts soon!





4.24.2014

thoughts

My knee aches.

The snow is gone, and in its place green grass welcomes me every morning. The snow has stopped, and now it rains. It rains and my knee aches, but I will not complain. I want to breathe in the green, the bare ground, the birds chirping. I go to the window every few minutes to make sure it's still there, that it wasn't all a dream.

....

I've stopped seeing my dietitian. 

I achieved the doctor's approval, so everyone else had to fall in line. So I continue on pretending that I don't see their thinly veiled disapproval. 

I continue pretending that I am fine.

...

Change does not come easy. Every time my father leaves a voicemail he is sure to state his name, the date, and the time. My phone tells me these things before he does, but he still follows his own antiquated patterns. 

I wonder if it's just human nature to stand stubbornly in the way of time.

...

"hey." Bill texts me. "the sun shines. listen."

...

I am happy. I am sad. I am angry. I laugh. I want to cry, but I don't. 

I go through the motions. Work. Therapy. DBT. Work. Sleep.

I am tired of pretending to care, but time carries on.

...

One pink line.

Negative.

"What are you afraid of?" My new DBT therapist asks me.

I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of seeing two pink lines. I am afraid of the things I am capable of.

I don't know why that one pink line makes me so sad.

...

I wish I could give you a glowing report about how my life is perfect now. I wish I could tell you that I don't bristle every time someone says "your eating disorder." I wish I could tell you that I want my life to be different.

But I'm just me.

3.25.2014

a ghostly hello

My life has been long, long hours at work and driving to and from therapy appointments. When I'm home, I collapse on the couch and only get up when I drag myself to bed. 

I've missed so many posts, so many comments. I try to write, to draw, to paint, and I just end up frustrated at myself. My mind is full of cotton. I seem to be caught in a creative black hole. 

But I miss you. All of you. I am so behind in your blogs, and right now I don't think I can catch up. But I really want to know how you're doing. Are you ok? What are you thinking about right now? What are you happy about, frustrated about, angry about, sad about? 

I think about you guys a lot. Even when I'm not writing. Thank you for all the comments. I'm sorry I'm such a ghost.

Love,

Kay

3.12.2014

it's only a change of time

I had a dream last night
I dreamt that I was swimming
and the stars up above
directionless and drifting
somewhere in the dark
were the sirens and the thunder
and around me as I swam
the drifters who’d gone under

time, love
time, love
time, love
it’s only a change of time


When I was ten years old, I slipped into the middle of the woods and begged God to let my Grandma live. The early spring snow was wet and slowly seeped into my battered second-hand boots as I pleaded, offering everything I could think of in exchange. But God was silent, and eventually my desperate words faltered. Cancer had been a part of my vocabulary for a year now, but it had just been a word. It was the reason Grandma was tired. The reason she had to go home early. The reason we couldn't visit as often. The reason we couldn't see her if we had a cold. It had not occurred to me that my Grandma was going to die, but now surrounded by the dripping trees and divine silence, it was suddenly, painfully clear. I stayed there until the sun began to set, alone, snow soaking into my jeans, my grief mixing with the sharp taste of pine.

I had a dream last night
and rusting far below me
battered hulls and broken hardships
leviathan and lonely
I was thirsty so I drank
and though it was salt water
there was something ‘bout the way
it tasted so familiar

time, love
time, love
time, love
it’s only a change of time


I knew it when my parents sat us all at our worn dining room table in the early morning. I knew it when my mother stared silently at the floor. I knew it when my father stood, calmly grave. I let three tears fall onto the table, but that was all.

the black clouds I’m hanging
this anchor I’m dragging
the sails of memory rip open in silence
we cut through the lowlands
all hands through the saltlands
the white caps of memory
confusing and violent

We stood beside the open grave, just family. A man was speaking, a Bible in hand, but I couldn't stop staring at the coffin, sacred and elegant. I just couldn't picture her inside. That was not her. She was laughter and the crumbly sweetness of pound cake and the soft clucking of chickens as she gently placed a warm, freshly laid egg in my small hand. I fidgeted, stared at the sky, watched the cars drive by. When it was finally over, I raced my cousins back to the car. I didn't care if I won, I just wanted to get away from the deafening silence of that wooden box. I put my hand through the open window of my Grandpa's car to unlock the door, only to start when he yelled out sharply for me to stop. He didn't want the car alarm to go off, but he had never yelled at me like that before. I sat silently as we drove from the cemetery to the church and tried to make sense of the tumultuous fear playing round in my head.  

The organ played mournful tunes for what felt like hours before the service even started. All around me were the sounds of people crying. My family. People I barely recognized. People I didn't know at all. I clenched my fists so tightly that my nails bit into my palms. Throughout the entire service I sat that way, stubbornly stoic, refusing to cry.

time, love
time, love
time, love
it’s only a change of
time, love
time, love
time, love
it’s only a change of time


At the reception, we children ran like wild things around the small room. It was a maze of legs adorned in sleek pleated slacks, leather dress shoes, tan colored pantyhose, and sensible heels. We yelled and laughed manically and stole an entire bowl of sugar cubes for my cousin's horse, but no one said a word. We were the grandchildren of the deceased, untouchable.

Afterwards, it was easiest to pretend she had never existed. The memory of life with her was more bitter than sweet. It was too hard to remember her, always so full of love. It was too hard to remember my mother laughing, to remember her face lit up with joy. It was too hard to remember that my Grandpa hadn't always been silent and stooped with grief, that my mother hadn't always been raging with hate.

But she haunts me still. Sometimes she is well, laughing, warm with life. Sometimes she is skeletal and frail with sunken eyes and cheeks. Her ghost held my hand through the deepest valleys of depression, sometimes more as an anchor than a guide. She is ever present, and I do not know which one of us won't let go. 

Sometimes I get lost imagining how things could have been different if she had lived. It's a dangerous road that leads further and further into nowhere. So I have to remind myself over and over again that this is what is true:

I only had her for a short time, but in that time I never doubted that she loved me. 

And I will see her again. I believe that with all my heart.

it’s only a change of
time, love
time, love
time, love
it’s only a change of
time, love
time, love
time, love

it’s only a change of time



To Millie, my Grandma, with love.


Song lyrics from "Change of Time" by Josh Ritter

3.06.2014

insane (adjective)

A deranged state of the mind; in a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.

My life has become a list of skills. Skills I used. Skills I didn't use. Skills I thought about, but didn't want to use. Skills I tried to use, but didn't help.

This is DBT. 

DBT is all about skills. 

I am crabbily scribbling down answers to our homework assignment. The Mr. is passed out next to me. It's late. I'm tired. I have three worksheets to fill out, and I have two choices: write down the truth or what I know they want me to say.

I choose the truth.

This skill is called Check The Facts. It helps regulate your emotions. 

"Every emotion you have is valid, but not every emotion you have is justified." The therapist says.

This is where checking the facts comes in. If you are angry, you are supposed to stop and ask yourself WHY. What prompted it? Then you check the facts. Here, list them on this sheet of paper. Now, is this a reasonable reaction to this situation? 

It sounds simple, right? I can see that thought on the therapist's face as she smiles at us. This is simple. Obvious.

Sure.

I write down my facts. I ate too much food. I gained weight. I am a worthless piece of shit.

So my anger is justified, as is my decision to restrict the following day.

In group I am politely corrected. Only my weight gain is a fact. The other two are judgments. My emotion is unjustified. 

"They are all facts to me." I say defiantly. 

"That is your eating disordered mind talking."

"But I believe them."

We go in a circle until we end here: my facts are just wrong. And that's that.

The things my brain tells me to be true and real are not. And a small part of me knows that. I know that I believe what is untrue, but I also wholeheartedly believe what's untrue is true.

Does this not sound eerily similar to the definition of insanity?

Do you know how it feels to know you can't trust your own brain? Do you know how it feels to be told that you can't trust your own brain? Who then can you trust? Anyone? No one? What is the point, then? To go on listening to your broken brain until it leads you off a cliff? To trust the people telling you differently and blindly follow their every direction? Do you feel the walls of reality crashing around your ankles?

Molly tries to lure me into naming my eating disorder with Harry Potter. "What if you called it Voldemort?" She says.

I don't say anything.

"What are other good names from Harry Potter?" She looks up, thinking, waiting.

I don't offer any.

Stop dividing me up into pieces. I want to scream. Stop telling me that this piece is good and this one is bad and this one is wrong and this one is right because I am left believing that something is both black and white at the same time and I feel like I am losing my fucking mind.

I am not very good at checking the facts. Apparently.

There are six women in my group and one teenage boy. We are all different ages, sizes, and shapes. I have seen them cry. I have seen them yell. I have seen them get up and abruptly leave the room. I have seen them happy. I have seen them fucking pissed.

And I've come to care about each and every one of them.

At one of my first appointments with Molly she told me that the first thing she realized about people with eating disorders is that they're all really smart. Almost across the board.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but once I did, I realized how absolutely true it is. The people in my group. The writers of the blogs I've read. The people who comment here. I have seen so much creativity and wit and intelligence in people labeled as mentally ill. 

After we were dismissed, one of the girls in my group caught up with me, and we ended up talking in the hallway for forty-five minutes. Surrounded by people I don't know, I can be painfully shy, and this was the first one-on-one conversation I've really had. And it was so good. When someone understands a tangled, messy part of you that most people don't, it's like finally surfacing from underwater. 

Maybe I am insane and broken and disordered, but I'm not the only one. And that one conversation helped more than the three and a half hours of therapy I had today.

2.26.2014

til the last moon droops

Bill texts me in the darkness before dawn.

"a piece of a poem written by arthur symons." He writes,

"unresting water, there shall never be rest
til the last moon droops and the last tide fails.
and the fire of the end begins to burn in the west
and the heart shall be weary and wonder and cry like the sea
all life crying without avail
as the water all night long
is crying to me."

...


"Life carries on." They say. But it doesn't really. Not for some.

It is the darkest, most malicious winter I have known in my twenty-seven years. On the eve of March, we are still buried in mountains of snow, still bracing against dangerously cold winds as the temperature drops and drops again.

There have been two suicides this past week that I know of.

I didn't know either of them personally, but I know it could have been me.

...


"We never talk about the hospital." Molly says, out of the blue. "About your suicide attempt."

I pause, but then I shrug. "I've talked about it so much, it doesn't really bother me anymore."

She looks skeptical, so I start to talk, to prove her wrong. But for the first time in five months...I find myself lost for words. 

"What are you feeling right now?" She asks gently. She's leaning forward in her chair watching me struggle, and I suddenly feel fragile. 

"....like I might cry." I finally mumble.

"You can cry, you know. It's ok to cry." She says.

"I don't want to." 

So I don't.

...

I get in trouble at work. It's over a small thing, in my opinion, but my boss thinks otherwise. She surprises me one morning with a guilt trip so thick, I am stunned. She slaps it on, layer after layer, without giving me a chance to breathe. 

I should have defended myself, but I didn't. I just slowly caved in.

Stupid. You stupid fucking idiot. I tell my watery reflection in the bathroom mirror. I hate you. Everyone hates you. Why don't you just die already? I wish you would just die.

I stumble through the rest of the day, a defeated, hollow shell. I try to focus on my work, but I just keep thinking about how pointless it was to go on living. I thought I'd mostly clawed my way out of that dark hole, but one little conversation shoved me right back in. 

...but maybe not all the way.

Because that night, I tell the Mr. I tell him. I speak the words out loud. And he doesn't panic. He just holds me and makes me say all of the things I love in life until I am completely annoyed, but smiling at the same time. 

The thoughts are still there, my own furious, damning voice echoing around in my head, but they are a little easier to ignore.

...

I try to start a new blog. I am spurred by a sudden passion to tell my story as myself. To show the people who know me who I really am. To be an advocate for people with mental illnesses. To maybe give someone else the courage to be vulnerable.

I throw myself into the design. I am excited. So excited that I struggle willingly through lines of code that read like Chinese to my brain.

Then it is all designed, beautiful, just the way I want it. I open a new post, the first post, and I stare at it.

The cursor blinks blinks blinks blinks.

I write a paragraph. Then two. I start over. The cursor blinks. I get up, make some tea. I come back. I write one sentence. Then I delete it.

A week later, the blog still sits empty, void. I don't know how to fill it with honesty, with the ugly things inside my head. They won't get it. They won't understand. I thought I was brave, but I just feel....fragile.

...

"...all life crying without avail
as the water all night long
is crying to me.

hope it rings true in your dark, porcelain heart, jasmine."

I read Bill's text three times. Then I lay back down, next to the Mr. who drowsily throws a warm arm around me. I fall asleep again listening to the crying of the sea.

I hope you have people in your life who understand. I hope you know that if you need someone who understands, I am here in my dusty, cluttered little corner willing to try.