My co-worker has really been getting on my case lately. I love her, but I wish she would stop analyzing my lunches. Today she got pretty fired up, and I don't really do well when people get fired up at me. My first response is to start grinning or laughing like a maniac. Which 1). makes me feel crazy and 2). makes whoever is fired up more mad. Anyways, she was pretty fired up. It was not fun. She'd been wanting to go to Wendy's to use these free Jr. Frosty coupons she had, and finally I agreed to go. So I wasn't going to eat lunch because a Jr. Frosty has 200 fucking calories. For 6 ounces. Ugh. So anyways, I tried to skip lunch, and she got a little upset. So I ate lunch. I had some leftover quinoa in the fridge from a lunch I skipped a couple days ago. And then I ate a frosty. So:

Coffee (50)
Quinoa (150)
Jr. Chocolate Frosty (200)
Apple (80)
3 slices of Cheddar Cheese (240)

Today's total: 720 calories consumed.

I wish I wasn't such a people pleaser. I wish I had the balls to say, whatever. I don't give a fuck.

But I do.

Sometimes I wonder. 

How long could I go? How long could I go without eating? There is something so beautiful about feeling empty. You feel lighter, powerful, free. It's addicting. 

So I wonder. How long could I go?

About yesterday.

For starters, co-worker and I had made plans to get coffee on Friday as a reward for getting through the week. I thought I could do that. I thought I could just be smart, be calm, and give myself a treat. That was all fine and dandy until the thought of it started making me panic. Then Thursday I ended up with more calories than I'd planned. So tricksy me decided that instead of going to coffee Friday afternoon, I'd stop and grab some on the way in to work so she wouldn't know what I ordered. We were going to get these super sugared up mochas that were like 350 calories with skim milk and no whip. So obviously that wasn't happening. I should have just got plain old black coffee, but I had mochas on my brain so I ordered a regular skinny mocha. That came to about 200 calories. I guess the good news is that I only drank about half because I just couldn't do it.

So to punish myself for what was supposed to be my reward, I didn't eat anything else all day. Until I got home from work and the Mr. and I went out to dinner. We went to one of our favorite bars and suddenly the only thing in the world that I wanted was nachos. So we split the nachos. And I got a beer. The Mr. was trying to calm me down and informed me that he was sure my portion of nachos was only about 600 calories. Which really failed at the whole calming thing, but I did not inform him that's about how many calories I try to eat in a whole day.

After that came chocolate covered pretzels. And after that came self-hatred.

So today rolled around. I had half of my tea (27). Then the Mr. and I went out to a coffee shop where we got some black coffee with cream and sugar (100). The Mr. got us a cheese plate (I swear he does this to me on purpose, he knows my weaknesses) and I ate some of his cheese. Then he made me my favorite kind of popcorn for dinner...air popped with fat free butter spray and salt and hot tamales mixed in. I'm too tired to figure out the numbers, but they're high.

Today was an off day. I spent most of the morning restless with manic energy. The kind that keeps you from actually doing anything, but is constantly whispering to DO SOMETHING. And now! Before you go insane!

Andohmygodyou'realreadygoinginsanewhycan'tyoufuckingdosomething!

Getting out of the house helped, but returning sent me into a steep decline. I spent a good amount of time this evening just laying in bed and feeling full of despair. Sometimes just the thought of continuing on seems impossible. I know I sound melodramatic, but I'm also being honest. If you're like my mother you'll be rolling your eyes and telling me to just get over it.

I've spent thirteen years trying to "just get over it" and it's like trying to run through a brick wall.

I'm not always like this. I am happy sometimes. Genuinely so. My highs are high, but my lows are in the pits of hell.

Anyways, I eventually dragged myself out of bed, channeling what was left of that manic energy, and worked out. That helped. Maybe too much. It sent me on an endorphin high that flew me out of that pit like a fucking rocket. I was laughing, I was chipper, I was full of energy and happiness. And now it's 3am and I'm slowly coming down, slowly losing that wild energy so I can go to sleep like a normal person.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually insane.

It is late, and I am tired.

Today was less successful, but it's totally my fault. This morning I had tea with sugar and milk (54), for lunch I had an apple (80) and four cherry tomatoes (20), for dinner I made one of my favorite meals because I wanted it so so so badly, black bean & sweet potato burrito bowls (562). It would be so low in calories if it weren't for the black beans. I had no idea beans were so high in calories until recently. That really sucks. So my total for today was 636 calories.

The good news is that I finally worked out again tonight. 45 minutes on the treadmill. AND I bought hot chocolate mix tonight because I wanted it so bad, but then I did not make any. I stayed strong.

I'm hoping that this high intake day just kick starts my metabolism or something and doesn't affect any numbers.

Fingers crossed!

Today's intake:

Tea (1.5 tsp. sugar & 1/3 c. milk): 54
A tiny bit of cheese: 35

Total: 89 calories

It feels good to be strong. And I'm feeling a lot better too. Tomorrow I should be able to go to work, and the week will be half over!

Good news all around.

I can feel myself slipping further into the mouth of this thing. That part of me that senses the danger is starting to feel tired and worn.

Three weeks ago I could eat without feeling panicky. As long as I ate things that were healthy, low calorie. Primarily vegetables. I still hated how I felt afterwards. I still hated myself. But it's different now. I eat a handful of goldfish crackers and they settle like a brick in my stomach. They feel foreign and evil and I just want them to get out. Out of my body. I've never purged. I have an intense phobia of throwing up. So intense that I went ten years without puking. Not that I didn't want to. I made myself a lot sicker by doing it, but I just could not throw up. The thought of it sent me into panic attacks. So I held it all in. I broke that ten year streak after drinking so much I blacked out and then spent the night puking in my friend's toilet. Since then I've been better about throwing up, but I still hate it. It still sends me into a shaky, terrified mess. 

I don't want to ever purge. I want to be stronger than myself. Stronger than my body. I want to not puke because I don't need to. 

All that to say, it's been tempting lately. But I haven't been able to bring myself to take that road. And that's probably a good thing. If one good thing can be found in all of this, that'd be it.

I'm home sick today. I think I'm fighting off some sort of flu. I thought I might puke this morning from natural causes, but I haven't so far. I feel pretty drained and weak. I haven't been able to get warm and my stomach is churning. The good news is that I do not feel even remotely tempted to eat something.

Yesterday I had tea with only 1 tsp. of sugar and 1/4 cup of skim milk (38.5) . Then I ate 11 veggie crisps that my co-worker practically forced me to eat (67). She has been getting increasingly upset every time I eat nothing or very little for lunch. I went home early and succumbed to the temptation that is goldfish crackers. I ate way too many (160). Then I had some raw sweet peppers and cherry tomatoes (80). So yesterday was a total of 345.5 calories.

So far today I am at 0 calories. Although I think I am going to attempt some tea so I don't get a caffeine headache (I am so addicted). I'm going to attempt a fast today. I have some diet 7-up in the fridge that I can drink for free, so hopefully after my tea that will be the last amount of calories consumed today. 

And the best part? I weighed in at 126.4 lbs. this morning! I am so close to 125 lbs. which is a number I have not seen in about 4 years. My hip bones show, even when I'm just standing. I can see my ribs on my back. When I lay down, my stomach is so concave that my rib cage is a mountain and my hip bones are sharp peaks. My collar bones are starting to show when I just stand normally. 

It feels really good. It feels damn good. 

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower